What can parents do to help their children manage bouts of anger, sadness, or anxiety brought on by school, siblings, and everyday life ? Whether you’re the parent of an elementary-aged child, a preteen between the ages of 8 and 12, or a teenager, practicing two skills can help you and your child: validation and coping.
Practicing validation
Validation teaches your children that it’s okay to feel and express their emotions.
“When parents use validation, they are affirming to their child that it is okay to feel emotions and that they should not be repressed,” says Dr. Chase Samsel of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Harvard-affiliated Boston Children’s Hospital. “It shows them that you understand their feelings and point of view, and it establishes trust. This, in turn, can help a child feel supported and open to discussing solutions.”
It starts with recognition
Acknowledge their emotions with comments like, “You sound frustrated or angry,” or “I see you had a rough day at school.”
But what emotion or emotions is your child feeling? “It can be difficult for parents to recognize the genuine emotion their child is struggling with,” says Dr. Samsel. “Many times, children have an emotional reaction but can’t explain what’s going on, or don’t want to, or are expressing multiple emotions at once.”
Other times, different emotions underlie the one being displayed. This is especially common among teenagers, where they display anger, but often the real emotion is fear, anxiety or sadness. “In these cases, just acknowledging that they are going through something difficult is enough,” says Dr. Samsel.
Practice validation often
A child may not respond to validation at first; he may not want to talk about his emotions or he may ignore your interest. But consistent validation will eventually pay off.
“By repeating validation when emotional meltdowns arise, the child will soon feel more comfortable expressing their emotion,” says Dr. Samsel. “Once they recognize that their parents welcome this and will not be reprimanded, they will be open to sharing details.”
Building a coping skills toolbox
Coping skills are ways parents can teach their children to handle emotional problems when they arise.
Try a breathing exercise together
Breathing exercises are a popular strategy as they are easy to learn and quick to use. Dr. Samsel recommends any of the following: three-part breathing, ujjayi breathing, and abdominal breathing.
Other coping skills include guided meditation, visualization, squeezing a stress ball, taking a walk or playing outside, and reading together (great for preschool and elementary school children).
“Sometimes just giving kids time alone in their room or ‘taking space’ works well,” says Dr. Samsel.
Take advantage of coping skills yourself
It’s also vital for parents to adopt these strategies when dealing with their own emotions, says Dr. Samsel. Not only will this help you feel calmer, but it’s a great way to model that coping skills help everyone — adults, too!
For example, try telling your kids when you’re feeling upset or frustrated by something that’s happening during your day. Announce that you’re planning to take a walk to de-stress or do a breathing exercise. Later, share your problem-solving strategies.
“Children watch what their parents do and often imitate their behavior,” says Dr. Samsel. “If they see you working constructively through your emotions, they will be more open to doing the same.”
Be flexible
Never insist that older children use a coping mechanism, even when situations call for it. That could feel like a punishment and trigger automatic resistance.
Instead, Dr. Samsel suggests that parents expose their children to different types of coping skills and then let them decide which ones they want to try. “They may need to experiment to find techniques that they can easily follow and that work for them,” Dr. Samsel says.
